it hurts more in the daytime
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
