I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
