he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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