So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
