you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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