Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
