you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
