I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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