Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
This toilet bowl is my home.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
