He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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