There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
