Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
no, he came in my armpit
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Your penis caused this!
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