I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
