I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
