the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
