It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
