I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Congratulations! We have a period
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize