just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
