I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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