It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
