Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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