My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
