I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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