YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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