those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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