i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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