Hey man sorry I got all grabby
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize