weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
