she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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