I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
