well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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