Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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