yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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