You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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