Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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