I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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