The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
