omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
