My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
