end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
