i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
