I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
