we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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