Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
