We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
