so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
