Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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