Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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