I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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