Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
