If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
