from now on my penis is your penis
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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