Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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