Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
