and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
